By | October 9, 2017

I like to think I have a pretty good filter, but when it comes to kids and pregnancies, I make awkward small talk that my wife always points out is probably over the line.  My apologies as I now know better and sh.  I have always known never to ask a woman when she is due if you don’t know she’s pregnant, though I’ve seen that go wrong first hand.  But questions I did not realize are off-limits I have since learned.  i.e. When are you two gonna have kids?  Are you going to have more kids?  Are you going to try for a boy?  Or girl?

So many presumptuous questions that shouldn’t be asked for many reasons.  Maybe they are trying to have kids or maybe they don’t want kids.  Why does everyone feel like you need to have one of each like you can’t decide between cheesecake or cannoli so you want to sample both?  Maybe there’s a million other reasons in between all of these other reasons, but none of them are my business.  I should know now to just stick with talking about the weather or bad beats or fantasy football.

With that said, it’s been a bit of a long day.  The girls have been a little bit crazy, they didn’t do a whole lot of listening, and I wore a crazy squid hat after I got home for no good reason.  As I sit here watching Monday Night Football, I figured I could answer some of your often inappropriate questions with more tact than Cam Newton talking to a female reporter.  Here we go…


Question: Are they twins?

Answer: No, different mothers.


Q: Do twins run in your family?

A (for the first 6 months): Yes, my sister has twins as well, but hers our fraternal.  Identical twins are actually not genetic like fraternal twins are, but are just a freak thing.

A (post 6 months): No.


Q: Are they girls or boys?

A (inner monologue): Seriously?  They’re covered from head-to-toe in purple and pink so please take a wild guess.  Not that there’s anything wrong with using different colors, but we probably specifically dressed them like this so you wouldn’t ask that question.

A: Girls.

Q: I thought they were boys because of their boy haircuts.

A (inner monologue): That’s not a question, old lady, and they are babies.  That’s called their hair.

A: Nope, just their hair.  Have a nice day!


Q: Are you going to have more?

A (year one): Yes, definitely.

A (post-year one):  Nope!  We’re good!


Q: Are you going to try for a boy?

A: No No No No No No.  (See dessert discussion above.)


Q: Wow, you put on some weight.

A: Did you seriously just say that to my wife??

Q: I was talking to you, fatty.

A: Oh.  Yeah, sympathy weight.  I like fast food.


Q: How do you tell them apart?

A: Who said we could?  Maybe we just make it up each and every day and change it to mess with people; or maybe we gave them subtle tattoos or haircuts to be able to differentiate them each day.  We’ll never reveal our secrets because what if we did get it wrong??


Q: Are they natural?

A: Firstly, work on your phrasing.  Secondly, no.  We feed them Wendy’s chicken nuggets regularly, so at this point, their bodies are comprised mostly of GMOs and preservatives.

Q: No, that’s not what I meant.

A: We know what you meant, and yes, they’re natural.


Q: My hairdresser’s stepsister has twins.

A (inner monologue): We really don’t need to play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon with every twin you know.

A (actual): Whoa, seriously?  That’s bizarre.  Twins are so rare, which makes total sense why you would drop this bombshell.


Q: How hard is it?  I couldn’t imagine having twins since one at a time was hard enough.

A (I don’t mind this question): It’s been hard at times.  It’s definitely challenging often.  It’s frustrating and exhausting, and it can drive you crazy.  And it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, because nothing makes me happier than my family.

Is it probably more challenging than having a singleton?  Yeah, I’m sure it is (which also depends on the individual kids), but parenting just isn’t easy no matter what way you slice it.  Well, if you have between 1 and 7 kids, parenting is difficult.  8 gets you a stupid TV show, so I don’t know if that makes it infinitely easier or harder.  At 19 kids and counting, you have more kids to take care of your other kids who will then take care of more kids, so that you never have to care for any kids again.  I prefer to think of it as Conception Inception, but of course this plan runs the risk of your first-born looking for love on Ashley Madison.  I digress.  Parenting is hard but awesome.  The end.

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