By | September 29, 2017

Things we have determined my 2.5 year olds to be afraid of:

  • Owls – I just told you about that last week
  • Minions – Saw a man in a Minion costume at Play Day Place and they avoided him like the plague
  • Fish – Yeah, one fish in a fish tank had Thing 1 shrieking in fear.  Nothing particularly special about this fish.
  • SpiderMan – We assumed this wasn’t going to go well when a man in a SpiderMan costume popped up behind them at a fair.  Hell, he even scared me.
  • Goats – Thing 1 does NOT like things that maa at you.  Baa was okay.  Maa?  Not so much.  Goats were basically goat-calling her whenever she walked by.
  • Heights – Thing 2’s big fear, though she tries to be tough as she holds onto Mommy and says, “Don’t worry.  I got you, Mommy!”

Things my kids freaking LOVE:

  • Clowns
  • Balloons

So as we were trying to think of a fun family event on a Saturday afternoon, we couldn’t come up with much.  The petting zoo?  Too many goats.  The regular zoo?  Too many owls.  The aquarium?  Too many fish.  Insectropolis?  Too many spiders and men.  Storybook Land?  Rides are too high.  The movies?  You can scratch Despicable Me, Minions, SpiderMan, and Finding Nemo from the list.

But wait.  What about a movie that has clowns AND balloons??  Naturally for their first movie-going experience, we just had to take them to see “It”.  What could go wrong?  I’m not a big fan of clowns, but I am a civil engineer, so a movie that is based around storm drains?  Definitely a must see.

In anticipation of the big day, we started tying red balloons around the house on random objects.  We said things to them like, “I’m every nightmare you’ve ever had,” and “I’m your worst dream come true.”  Quoting Pennywise the Dancing Clown is just all in good fun.  They just laughed and laughed and laughed.  And of course they said, “Red balloon!” about 700 times.

First off, what is the age you can bring your kid to the movie theater?  I think 2.5 is a little young.  The only things I’ve ever been able to get them to sit still for more than five minutes are Bubble Guppies and Justin Bieber.

Secondly, what the hell was that?  It had clowns and it had balloons, but that movie wasn’t funny at all!  I thought I was scared of random clowns roaming the streets before, but now I’m never leaving my house again.  Someone could have warned us that this was not a movie for kids.  How is anyone supposed to know?  Everything is rated R these days, so I didn’t think anything of it.

So of course we get out of the movie theater, shell-shocked.  My wife and I held each other like never before and we stayed as far away from every storm drain as we possibly could.  I still don’t know if I have fully recovered.

My daughters, though, just skipped out like nothing ever happened.  All the way to the car, they could be heard laughing and shouting, “Pennywise funny clown!”  What the hell is wrong with them??  Don’t they know how scary that was?  I grab Thing 1 by the shoulders and look her in the eyes.  I ask this girl who is deathly afraid of owls, fish, goats, Minions, and SpiderMan if she is going to be okay after seeing this.  She looks right back into my eyes and quotes Pennywise:  “I’m everything you ever were afraid of.”

Things I was afraid of before this movie:

  • Anything ever happening to my kids
  • Death
  • Being in the handicap bathroom stall when someone in a wheelchair comes in

Things I am now afraid of after this movie:

  • Death by clowns
  • Balloons
  • Storm drains
  • My kids
  • Being in the handicap bathroom stall when someone in a wheelchair comes in, especially if it’s a clown

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